I had a lot of tasks to finish for the day, but some how nothing felt important.
It was a clear sky day, probably very usual which I didn’t seem to notice for all these years. The pavement clean and roughly adjusted in square blocks. I waited for the Walk signal to glow green so I could cross the road. I was on my way to office, Everything around seemed to be noiseless. The loudest thing I heard was my heart beat. I was not able to figure out what was happening and why am I not able to connect to the surrounding.
I was aware, walking properly, noticing people, standing in the queue properly, didn’t hit the pole on the way. It felt like I had lost my senses but nothing around me proved it. Perhaps I thought it’s a postural vertigo kind of feeling or signs of low blood pressure, hence I decided to sit silently for sometime on the nearest park bench. Time was running away and if I didn’t move now, I would probably be late for office.
I had 30 emails in my inbox, some marked urgent as well. I locked my PC and went straight to coffee. The numbness in the feelings was getting to my nerves now. I discussed this with a friend but now I cannot recollect what he said. I acknowledged his words and disconnected the call.
I knew something was wrong with me, and could not find out what. So I did what most logical people do. Make a check-list of probabilities. I brainstormed all situations that could possibly lead to this numbness. Hence I listed them all, Break up, fever, fatigue, nausea, hangover, motions, loss of appetite, anger, rage, love, missing home, missing someone.. the list went on. Then, since I was not attentive for that day, I decided to take a half day from office and informed my boss that I need to visit a doctor.
I checked the check-list and found nothing appropriate to be ticked right in my situation. What the hell was wrong with me? I changed, had a sandwich and went straight to bed. The ceiling was silent to me, but sleep was nowhere near my eyes. I shifted to the couch with a bowl of popcorn and Cheetos again in vain for an hour now.
The feeling of emptiness was so empty I could not explain what It was. I sat silently with my eyes closed and tried the yogi way to understand my feelings. The tantra didn’t work for me. There were no thoughts, Had I attained Nirvana ? I asked my self. Of-course, I didn’t know what it was, still it helped.
I glanced out of my window to the setting sun now, the golden rays gave me heat but didn’t help my mind to settle, It was still running in vacuum in my head. Floating and not settling. I started breathing deeply to keep a watch on my heart beat which was the only sound close to me, I didn’t want to have a stroke at this age.
The sun was setting slowly, I could see the moon and a pole star already. The city lights were turning on and here I was staring at them trying to have a grip on my feelings, I mean no feelings. For some reason, I felt it was time to let go. But Let go what ?
I pulled the chair near my study table, started my Laptop and started writing. It went on.. SS1, SS2, SS3.. I wrote 3 Short stories at a stretch. My mind was starting to relax a bit now. I started reading my stories, selected a theme, plot and travelled in my thoughts to my wonder world of stories, deleted some parts to keep one, and finalized two of them.
I was feeling relieved, soothed and relaxed. Although I didn’t quite know while writing how the flow of the story progressing, All I knew that with each letter typed, my mind was settling down. The letters on MS word did take out my numbness.
It was midnight already, I didn’t keep a check on the time and was with my words and stories for almost 6 hours now, At the end of the stories I wanted to share it with all, so opened a wordpress account and published my stories.
It was a signal from the brain asking me to live a portion of my life for the things that are close to me. One of that is writing. I realized that if there is one thing that I want to do, which always gives peace to my soul and mind was penning down the words.
A stretch of words would surely kill the feeling, But I am happy that my body has a mechanism in the brain which tells me when I need to take a pause for myself and live at-least one day for myself.
I was calm now, made some more sandwiches for myself, Watched TV and slept..peacefully.
The sky was clear again the next day I guess, I didn’t notice. The running man on the signal turned green and I walked again into my actual life. Happy and content that I lived the half day yesterday.