The vehicle was stuck in traffic, Foggy atmosphere in December had made its way to tell the city to slow down. I could barely recognize things beyond a few feet. The eve of Christmas had made it worse. When people are trying to reach early, they were stuck in traffic. One more reason for this was the mental fog. Head was heavy today, heavy enough to push tears out of eyes. I didn’t want to cry, but the weight of thoughts was unreasonably high.

They said that love changes after marriage, I believed in it. However, Now was the time that I started facing it. Introspection gave me reasons to think rationally, however, there was another set of emotions which were stubborn enough to put the rationality aside. The emotions of being pampered and loved, especially when you want it desperately.

Heart said, Love is not a weekly timetable which needs to be followed only on weekends or at nights in the bed. I completely agreed. Today was the day where Sovereign of emotions were in the territory of heart. Its been more than a week that we haven’t spoken properly to each other. Nik is too busy to even accommodate the thought of spending a few chats with me. Being a working professional I understand the challenges but why should I be at the receiving end always? I decided to make him realize that he needs to be equally participative in life. I wanted to convey a message that Love is not a one way street. It hurt the most when he chose work over life, I felt traded. I didn’t even know if he looked at me? What was the sudden rush about? The hugs ended quickly and so were the breakfast timings. My share of holding hands were replaced by the laptop touchpad. I still kept my palm on the table if at once he realized that his touches are a gesture of comfort and assurance to me.

As a rational advocate my mind convinced me that at times there are emergencies at work and due to pressure this happens. Possibly there is a task which needs to be completed. Job challenges are never ending. Life after marriage is all about understanding and interdependence. The material things ensure we have security around us to protect love. Mind tried to give every possible logic and explanation to ensure I don’t mess up the life more.

My phone blinked, It was Nik. He asked me to pick him up from office on the way. I instructed the driver to drop me at the station and pick him up. Being in the same car would trigger fire to my thoughts. I took a cab on my way home. Dropped him a message to which the reply was “yes, Ok!” I smiled in sarcasm on my stupidity to expect a lovable reply to weaken my feeling of insecurity and lonliness. I reached home, Showered, Cooked and was waiting for him to come. Being a wife the only way I was happy was to expect him to keep my smiles intact.

The phone blinked again, driver informed me that Nik had asked him to take the car to his place for today because of the traffic around his office. He went to pick up Nik from his office. It was already late and I have been waiting for Nik to reach home. Suddenly the whole arena of thoughts had taken a toll and were worried.

I called up Nik, He said he will be leaving in a taxi and would reach soon. Christmas long weekend had added work on his head. He called me when he left from office at 9pm. I was waiting for him, my wait was transformed into worry at the midnight. I called  him to find out why is it taking him so long to reach home. His phone was not reachable even after several tries. It felt as if I have been suddenly detached from him. The feeling that I was not able to contact him made all the senses alert. Thoughts wondered about his wellbeing.  I checked the news for a traffic update. It didn’t help much. It was already 2am now and I had no sign of Nik. I cursed myself of taking a cab home by myself. If I would have picked him up myself atleast would be together.

My mind and heart now were in sync with each other and waiting for some possible options. No car and it made no sense to find him at 2am . The heartbeats now were louder and slower.  All the things I thought of him vanished in a few seconds. The tears suddenly dried up and eyes were wide open. Mind was awake inspite of the whole days work. I kept looking at the phone if there was any sign of him. I double checked the network range of my phone. I tried calling a few common friends in his office to check if they were travelling together? Nothing worked in my favor.

It was 2:30am when I looked at the watch last. The clock ticks seemed louder. I wondered what do I do to connect with him. This insecurity was more intense, It completely weakened my being. I felt alone and handicapped. The feelings were paralyzed and thoughts numb.

The doorbell rang, It was him.. All safe and sound. I hugged him tightly and he was saying something about the traffic and fog and weather conditions etc. I didn’t hear anything clearly. The bonded tears in the eyes were free. We were still at the door, I couldn’t wait for this hug. He asked me to get inside the house but the joy of seeing him was beyond my movements or words.   He grabbed me in his arms. Lifted me like a baby, closed the door and sat on the couch. I was still stuck to him.

I am sure I chocked him for a few seconds, He tried to calm me down and wanted to see my face but I was not ready to leave him even for a moment. He finally managed to compose me and asked me what happened. He rearranged my messed up hair on the face, some wet in tears so that he could see my face clearly. I started weeping more, In that broken voice I apologized to him for whatever I complained in my thoughts. He held my face firm in his palms, wiped the tears several times but in vain. He sipped tears from my cheeks kissing on both sides and said, I am home honey and the tears are salty.

I am not sure if he understood anything that I said, but surely understood that I was worried and the simple act that he was late today took half soul out of me. I sat in his lap covered with his arms till I came to my real senses realizing that its 4 am and my Nik was yet to have dinner. He freshened up and we both were at the dinner table. I could not sit far from him, Held his arm with my head on his shoulder. Our fingers crossed tightly, He rolled his fingers in my palm and drew an imaginary heart, A lot of times he wrote he loves me. I was numb today as the extremes of emotions had grouped me. He fed me with his hands and I did not react just kept staring at him. I was thankful for the fact that he was with me, around me. We cleared the dining area and sat on the couch for a chat.

He was explaining how he got stuck in traffic and had to take a longer turn and the whole city was in a mess due to fog etc.. The only thing I registered was, all my life – everyday I will be thankful to god that he is around me. While he was speaking I was busy noticing the best gift of my life, Nik. His eyes, His lips, his expression. I held his hand in mind and kissed the fingers. We went to bed. He was tired and exhausted and slept soon. My senses were still active and wide open.

I realized that the definitions of material and immaterial things were faded today, The facts of how relations should be maintained and how people stay happy in life vanished. I felt that everything that I have been thinking and feeling was in vain if he is not around. I felt as if I was gifted by an enhanced emotion of Love this season of Christmas.

I saw him sleeping peacefully, kissed on his shoulder and whispered in his ears. ALL I WANT IN LIFE IS YOU!!


3 thoughts on “ALL I WANT IS YOU

  1. You steal thoughts….was a famous dialogue is Dhoom 2 movie. But I would say you steal memories as well. Seems to be one of the day from my love life. Nicely described and very romantic.

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