I prayed and wished that my dreams should come true. This was one of those moments wherein i knew what i wanted unlike all my wishes from god which were never 100% confident. Even when i met the love of my life or asked for the best things in life it was 99.99% and not 100%. This one was pure. I felt like am floating a couple of inches above the ground, suddenly there were tickles in my palms. Smiles stayed longer than usual. The Lub-dub in the heart had a deeper base. This anxiety was lovely, i started deep breathing but in vain.
Jay came home, Kissed me on my forehead (never forgets to do that). Today he too was in a rush. Refreshed in half of the time he normally takes. His evening tea was ready, He had not spoken anything from the time he came home today. The only time his lips moved was when he kissed me. I sat on the sofa, with my head at rest. A tear rolled from my left eye and touched the top of my ear. I wasn’t crying, it just came out. He finished his tea and started cleaning the mug, this was unusual, but i knew why.. He sat on the floor near my lap and put his hand on my knees. This was the first time we both had made an eye contact today. I could see his adams apple moving, waiting for me to speak. His eyes were reminding me of a kid who is waiting for his mother to give instructions to blow the candle on his birthday. He looked at me, a bit anxious, excited, worried and all other feelings combined which could give you cold feet. And i said YES!! He didnt say anything.. I came on the floor and sat in his lap, Holding his hand in mine, i said, Jay Modi, you are gonna be a father..
He took me in his arms and and i rested on his soulder. I felt like a child myself. I bursted in tears of joy not knowing what to say and how to react. He strengthened his grip of arms and rubbed my head.
It was Sunday morning when i heard utensils talking loudly in the kitchen, Jay was not around in the bed anywhere.. I called his name, and he said, “Relax, I’ll be there in a min”. And he returned with bed tea for both of us and breakfast. This was the second time he has done it. First, was when he proposed me during our outing in Khandala. He woke up early to make sure everything is done and i get ample time to sleep. Suddenly he was turning into my mother. I felt like a queen. I told him, that its too early for him to start the chorus. He can do it when the tummy starts bloating, to my surprise my hubby was ready with the list of things he was ready to
do. This also included stitching of elastics on my jeans to make me feel comfortable.. WOW i said.. you are perfect..
We both had started making the blue print of our dreams. The room was redesigned with baby posters. Even with his dislike for pink color, the shades were showing around the room. I could see more of parenting websites on his laptops instead of bar graphs and pie charts. He had become more active in his routine, picked me up from office, conscious of my coffee intake. Best of all was he left smoking and followed the path of practise what you preach. We both kind of assumed the responsibility of babys health by not smoking untill the dream was out in our hands. It would have been hard for him, but he did it.
Life had changed its meaning, From the horizons of being a millionaire to becoming a parent after a few months. From making the dreams come true to worrying about the next appointment to the doctor. With all those excitement, fear, cautiousness and anxiety there was something else that was taking shape. That was the world within me. Take me in literal words,” WITHIN ME”. I didnt believe it when it first started. Those few gallons of water in my stomach before the pregnancy test. Its funny when something positive shows up when you pee on it.
A small bulge on the tummy, i can say this was the only time i loved it. Being a fitness freak i liked my tummy being flat. Yes, am a marwari who would cook everything in ghee, but i like being slim. Health is wealth you know. I remember Jay asking me if government has done reservations on the sale of ghee on marwari quota. I answered yes. Dad was my inspiration to remain fit. He said that life is better healthy. I made a visit to crossword and saw the baby book. It had sections from the first time i know about the baby till the 1st birthday, with the space for family photos, 1st handprint etc. I always dreamt of creating a book myself, Here was something similar in my hand. The moment the thought hit me i felt a kick. Yes, A KICK, as i said take me literally.
The next moment i knew that the world inside me has started reacting, I had started telling stories to myself, reading bhagvad gita, listening to Garbha sanskar music and shlokas. It gave a relaxing feeling. You know the right path when you park yourself on the pavement and wait to see the trail you’ve travelled. We follow the sweets for its sweetness, But as bhagvad says, that its in your tastebuds, dont follow the sweets. With a Life in me, i had started understanding the meaning of it. The chase was not real, what is true is your awareness that you are a living being.
Mom had cut down my jeans and had put some elastics on the top of it. She brought me some loose clothes and would ask me questions that i never thought she would ask. But i would answer with full honesty. Afterall, I was in her womb when she was in my shoes. She would give me a good massage on my back at times and a Champi malish. Motherhood is always the best gift in life. whether you are a mother or are being treated by your mother the feeling is the same. I am not talking about the biological being who is responsible to put you out of her vagina. Motherhood, i guess is the self less act that is designed by god himself. Motherhood starts from 9 months of friendship without even meeting each other in person.
Mom…i shouted.. Jay came running.. The pain was unbearable. Even the tears couldnot manage to come out of my eyes. The next thing i remember was i was surrounded by the doctors with their faces covered and talking like aliens to each other. The very next thing in my memory was Jay’s hands on my forehead. He asked if i was feeling better. I said that i feel pain in my abdomen. He kissed me on the forehead and I realized that life had taken a U turn. I was blank.
I had no questions to ask or no explanations or no regrets. I was blank. I didnt know what happened and why? I asked Jay to continue his routine and give me some space. He asked me if I want to pay a visit to my Mom’s place. I love this about him, that he speaks the words that i have not even thought of but would be thinking of it. Thats Love i guess. Next morning I was at the place where I had spent 28 years of my life. Dad brought me Lichis, Simmi my sister was not tired of taking selfies on her phone with me, so that i could add a smile for a split second. The whole world was trying to cheer me up, but this was the time that my smiles were overweight
and the curve was not forming.
It was 3am in the morning, My phone started buzzing. Hey meera, how you been ? It was Avi, words cannot define my friendship with him. He is my Best Friend AVI..He has a different tangent to live life. I am fond of his words. I started weeping heavily and he kept listening..I didnt speak a word except his name, he was listening to me sobbing so much. When i could not control myself, i told him i cannot talk and will speak to him later. When everyone including Jay was trying to comfort me and cheer me up, i guess it was Avi’s voice which spoke Meera and I came back to life. My name is not meera, its what only he called me. He sent me a verse, it was about his friendship with my kid.
The best thing about life is it never stops, and neither does it allow you to live a moment for more than your share. After a few days, I was back on track. Exercises were on, spirits were high. I came home at 4 am in the morning, Jay opened the door. Hey sexy, i said and kissed him. He knew that life is about to take the highway again. The sad part is, my bed tea stopped.
The snooze button was out again in the second year. I told Jay that he is a bit older and should start to color his hair. The half started baby book was out again. This time i did not ask or pray to god for anything. Whenever i thought of him, I said, dont be careless this time. The nine long months were a repeat course. This time full of confidence and extra happiness. I woke up Jay and said, either i peed in my pants or its time. He called my mother to the hospital, We drove to Jupiter hospital. I didn’t realize i was waiting for this level of pain and had asked for it with cent percentage confidence.
My name is Meera, I am Purnima’s daughter. This was the answer from my mother when I asked how much does she love me ? She said that, she wont be able to show me how long is her journey of love for me, but could introduce me to where it started, it was not only the 9 months of hide and seek, it was a longer driveway with a couple of U turns and highways. I see a reason why i was named Meera. As a daughter i am a part of my mother, but my name is also a part of something which is closer to her.
Probably i am also a part of her thoughts. Love you Mom..